It sounds mean, but honestly it's really not their business as to what happens surrounding your pregnancy. It's for you and your husband. This is a very intimate time that will NEVER happen again it's your first child so cut everyone else off even Grandma, ESPCIALLY stressing you out Grandma and politely let them know they're not helping and you're going to have to forgo all formalities and do what's best for you and baby.
You can get back to extended family bonding after the baby is born. Like a month later LOL! We strive to provide you with a high quality community experience. If you feel a message or content violates these standards and would like to request its removal please submit the following information and our moderating team will respond shortly. The educational health content on What To Expect is reviewed by our medical review board and team of experts to be up-to-date and in line with the latest evidence-based medical information and accepted health guidelines, including the medically reviewed What to Expect books by Heidi Murkoff.
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Newest First. Violation Reported. Your Guide to the First Trimester of Pregnancy. Your Guide to the Second Trimester of Pregnancy. In Relationships I don't trust any male around my daughter. So I have a 4 children. The 1st 3 are boys and my last one is my daughter. She is currently 1. The reason why I am traumatized is because most of my life I have been around child molesters or known of a child molester.
Mine started Latest: 2 months ago luna My mother in law and sister in law keep messaging me saying how much they miss the baby etc. Latest: 5 months ago FTMbabyboymay WTE Must Reads.
Jump to Your Week of Pregnancy. Learn more about your grandparents. You have your own unique relationship with your grandparents, but you may not know much about them outside of this context.
Assuming that your grandparents are willing to share, learning as much about them as possible will help you begin to understand them as individuals and may help you identify ways to begin to improve your relationship. Before you begin to deal with your specific problem your frustration with your grandparents' over-involvement or absence in your life, for example , talk to your grandparents about their own lives and relationships with their grandparents.
If your grandparents grew up during the Great Depression or the Civil Rights Movement, for example, learning this will give you important insight into their outlook on life. Find common ground with your grandparents. As you move forward with improving your relationship, it will help to be able to keep in mind your shared traits and values. Do you share your grandfather's wacky sense of humor?
Keeping this in mind will help you as you decide when and how to confront your grandfather about the particular thing that is bothering you. If grandpa responds well to humor, then approaching the topic with a joke could work well. Think as well about what you are thankful for in your relationship with your grandparents: have they always been there for you?
Are you able to call them at midnight when you have a flat tire? If loyalty is deeply important to them and you , recognizing this may help you understand the source of some of their more annoying habits or may help you look past them.
Assess your own role in the conflict. It's pretty rare for a problem to be only one-sided, so it's important for you to honestly reflect upon yourself to identify any ways in which you may have been contributing to the situation. For example, is it possible that while you are currently annoyed with your grandparents for not treating you like an adult and allowing you to come in late at night, you are at other times letting them wait on you hand-and-foot as they did when you were younger?
If so, be aware of the mixed message you are sending them. Is it possible that you are transferring—responding negatively to your own traits that you don't like as you see them exhibited in your grandparents? If so, it's hardly fair to criticize them for never returning phone calls, for example, when you yourself have a spotty track record at this.
Are you impatient or hostile when dealing with your grandparents? You may think that you are successfully hiding your annoyance, but keep in mind that our body language, facial expressions, and tone can speak volumes. Your grandparents also quite likely know you very well and are thus probably already aware of your frustration.
This could very well be contributing to the tension. Decide what you can put up with and what you can't. Remember that not every battle needs to be fought, and indeed, picking every battle will only increase overall tension and frustration.
Especially if you don't see your grandparents all that regularly, adapting your schedule and habits to keep the peace most likely shouldn't require too much effort. You may have been waiting all week to get caught up on your favorite program, but is it really worth fighting over if you can DVR it or watch it later on your phone or laptop?
On the other hand, while you may decide that you can live with your grandparents' obvious distaste for your fashion style, you may not be able to or want to put up with their insults or hostility to your romantic partner.
The main point here is to decide what's important to you, both in terms of your own life and in terms of preserving your relationship with your grandparents. Talk things over your grandparents. Once you've done your best to try to understand where your grandparents are coming from, find common ground, and figure out your own role in the situation, it's time for you to talk to them.
If they turn in early, then deciding to talk to them about what you take to be their condescending attitude towards your career choice right before their bedtime will most likely not go well. Try not to be accusatory in your language. Notice as well that when you talk with your grandparents it will help to frame the discussion in terms of what you appreciate about them, in spite of your need to address a problem. You may also want to try reflecting your grandparents' questions or comments back to them.
Their answer may surprise you, or they may realize that that they've been over-asking. Consult your parents. While it's probably best that you try to handle your problems yourself, depending upon the severity of the problem or your comfort level with your grandparents, you may decide to enlist the help of your parents. Whether your parents have a close or strained relationship with their parents, they should be in a position to give you good insight.
They can either provide you with advice about how to approach your grandparents or if necessary, discuss things over with them on your behalf. If you do decide to vent to your parents or have them talk things over with your grandparents, be careful not to place them in too awkward of a position.
If your only issue is that your grandparents are annoying and not malicious or abusive , then this is something that a mature individual should be able to handle independently.
One of your parents' most important roles is to protect you, but not necessarily from life's everyday annoyances. Of course, if your grandparents are abusive, things change entirely. There is no rule that we must retain contact with people who are toxic or harmful, even if they are family.
Method 2. Assess the situation carefully. If you are a new parent, your life has suddenly changed drastically, and you're still learning to juggle all the different aspects and demands of your life.
Keep in mind that your children's grandparents are also adjusting to the new addition s to the family. Before you angrily confront your children's grandparents about their behavior, try to determine whether or not you are still all in the midst of an adjustment period. Do you think that with time and patience the current discord will resolve itself? If you'd rather nip things in the bud—you just can't handle the frequent, unannounced drop-ins, for example—make a list to yourself of the specific behaviors that troubling you.
Consider the grandparents' perspective. If you happened to have read the first method on coping with your own annoying grandparents, you'll notice that many of the steps here parallel those above. Even though your relationship with your children's grandparents is of course different in many ways from that of a grandchild-grandparent relationship, there are still commonalities. We're dealing with interpersonal familial relationships, and any time we face conflict, it helps if we first attempt to consider the other person's perspective.
It's quite likely that you or your partner will need to have a direct conversation with your children's grandparents, but thinking about why they are acting as they are will help better prepare you for that talk.
For example, you may be annoyed with your mother's constant inquiries into your newborn's feeding schedule which you may take as thinly disguised criticism , but is it possible that she may be anxious on your behalf because of the difficulties she had when you were a baby?
Similarly, you may be entirely frustrated at the unannounced pop-ins, but your perspective on the situation may change once you realize that you haven't been so great at extending invitations to your children's grandparents to visit. Most likely, the grandparents are simply overly eager to spend time with their beloved grandchildren.
Try to be charitable in your interpretations. This step naturally follows from the previous: you are doing your best to consider the grandparent's perspective; very little good will come from automatically assuming the worst about their motivations.
Perhaps your parents have barely called or visited since you've brought your newborn home, which leads you to believe that they aren't interested in their new grandchild. We have told her the toilet paper is free, and have tried many approaches to keeping it close to the toilet, but she still will not keep it out.
A move at her age will be very difficult. Medically, her belief that someone is stealing sounds like a paranoid delusion. Thinking can also be worsened by such mundane problems like untreated pain and constipation. If your family or the doctor are considering medication to manage this difficult behavior, be sure to read this article which explains the options in depth: 5 Types of Medication Used to Treat Difficult Dementia Behaviors.
In terms of practical problem-solving, you basically need to brainstorm and be creative…hm…what about those industrial toilet paper holders that are used in public bathrooms? Could you get one of those installed? Good luck getting her evaluated and finding solutions. I agree with you that a move would be hard on her, so applaud you for looking into ways to keep her where she is.
Thank you for the information. The first night in her nursing facility etc. She also had a UTI. On the day of her spinal procedure the anesthologist was one person who warned me the delirium could be worse after she woke up.
My mom constantly said and asked the same things over and over. I repeated the same assurances to her over and over. It scared her that her memory was failing her and she was worried she would forget all of her family and her home. I reassured her that no matter what she forgot, we would never forget that she is our mom and will always love and take care of her. I cry as I write this because I am going through all of this right now.
Now he has shown me signs of confusion and paranoia this morning, pacing the hall. This is all very hard for me to handle. This whole process has left me feeling so sad for elderly people who have no one to fight for them.
I need to be a fighter for them. I cannot stand the fact that there are helpless elderly people out there just being ignored and tossed aside. I need to get more information on how I can become an advocate for the elderly. Can you lead me in the right direction? But, it sounds like you are going through a lot right now! So sorry to hear of these challenges your family is facing. Your mother and step dad are indeed very lucky that you are there to help them through this time. Honestly, I would recommend that for now, you focus on taking care of yourself and them.
Have you looked into support groups? Another option would be to look into online forums and support groups, either specific to dementia or for people helping aging parents. This would be another way to get support AND learn more about what organizations currently exist to help older people. Hello doctor, Vinster here from India. We are having a particular problem with my 49 year old mother.
So she either dont carry her phone or she switch it off. She think our neighbor people are behind spoiling her good image. Everyday she randomly blames every other neighbor. Though she dont get into brawl with them. Would like to give a fresh example.
Last week when we were visiting my uncle, on the way at a traffic jam at a signal, an unknown lady from a cab saw her, when my mother noticed that lady, my mother got worried and straight away took her phone from me and switched it off. I dont know how to clear off all this things that are going through her mind. Please help. Your mother needs a medical evaluation to determine the cause of her symptoms. Once the likely cause is identified, you will need to work with the doctor on a suitable treatment plan.
If she is reluctant to see the doctor, then you will need to find ways to work around this. Now here health condition is better. But what we observe is her mind is not stable. She is keep on fearing that some one is threatening her by take some pics and demanding for money. And Some one has kidnapping my family Members and demands for money. Please advise how to cure her. How to make her Mind stable. We have never faced this issue with her in Past.
Her age would be around The types of fears and beliefs you are describing sound like paranoid beliefs and presumably delusions. To help her get better, she needs an evaluation to determine what might be causing these symptoms. Hospital Delirium: What to Know and Do. Do try to get her evaluated. In the meantime, remember that it never works to try to reason with the older person or talk them out of their fears. Avoid arguments and instead, try to provide reassurance and also redirect the conversation when you can.
My dad has had a hip op after a fracture aged He has pernicious anaemia. He has severe anaemia but it slowly got better. Then a UTI was discovered. He has only had one uti in the central white matter 8 years ago.
Has had PA for about 10 years. After the op he was his usual lovely self and has declined as the UTI got worse. Medical people say it is only 1 month. He called me by his brothers names one night when he woke. He keeps talking about joining up his gums or face???? He has problems with taps at home. But he passes all the Alzheimers tests including short term memory, counting backwards, months of year backwards, day, date, year but has problems guessing the time.
Sometimes forgets what time it is. He can walk with his zimmer really well. Has restless leg syndrome. Has Atrial Fib and SVT now and again but also irregular heart beat permanently though you cannot tell from feeling pulse on neck. Because he can talk two languages English and basic servant hindhi and he was quite well qualified Intermediate Science in Chemistry and was a very switched on guy, using a laptop excel sheet regularly up until his fall on 13 May it is very depressing to see him like this.
I am not at all surprised by the general contours of your story, because it sounds like your father developed some delirium while in the hospital. It is very common for older adults to develop confusion related to illnesses or hospitalizations.
My grandmother has been recently gone through 2 minor operation. She is behaving in awkward way. Sometimes she starts saying something than simultaneously turn the talk and say something else. Barely could be understood. If she has mentally changed after having an operation, then this may well be delirium. My 88 yr old mother in law called me to ask if my husband their son had been in their city that day. We live over an hour away my 90yr old father in law claimed and argued that he had seen and spoken to him, and that their son had said he was going to get a chicken cooked!!
My fil literally argued with me that he saw and spoke to him. Is this a start of dementia? Thank you! This certainly sounds concerning. Cognitively Impaired. So here is a story, I work at a grocery store and an elderly man comes in every day and steals several times a day. He has been spoken to about it. There are no present caregivers with him. And then of course some people steal and are not cognitively impaired, they do it for economic reasons or occasionally due to a stealing compulsion.
It does sound like he needs evaluation of his cognitive state. Your best bet might be to report his behavior to the police. In some places, police are getting trained to better understand older adults who might be confused. They might be able to contact family or otherwise facilitate some kind of process to learn more about his social situation and health situation. My dad has always been racist, homophobic and just an angry man.
Rationalising with him does not work as he keeps fanning the flames with derogatory comments aimed at her family members on Facebook. Any help would be so appreciated. It also helps to build up your own capacity for resilience and constructive communication. This is much easier said than done, but there are books on dealing with difficult family members and then relationship therapists are usually quite experienced with this as well.
You should still set boundaries, but you might also want to consider whether you can help him get evaluated, and you might want to monitor for further deterioration and possible safety concerns. My mother is 91, lives alone in the house that she and my father built together. My sister and I, her only living relatives, live near each other, but miles away from my mother.
The only medical problem she has is hypothyroidism, which is well controlled and she sees her PCP once a year. My sister and I make the trip back to take her shopping every other month. I cook up soups, and dinners and fill up her freezer so she can just warm things up. I call her everyday to check in. But she is convinced that the people on the news can see and are talking directly to her.
She refuses to move, either in with me, or to her own place near us. These outburst of anxiety happen about once every two weeks. Then the next day she is fine. I think she is very lonely, but fear of change has always been a problem. I think in the back of her mind she knows this is whacked thinking and would never admit it to anyone else but me. Other than that she seems to be fine. Cleaning the house, sticking to her routines, eating 3 meals a day etc.
She has always been a bit on the paranoid side, and can get quite mean. What would be the best way to handle this episodes? Thank you. It will frustrate you both. Instead, you need to accept that she is going to inhabit a somewhat different reality.
Help her feel heard and validated without encouraging any problematic delusions. Get enough sleep. Consider meditation or a mindfulness practice. Get enough exercise. This is a good way to get support and ideas. Still, you might find it helpful to read some books on how to constructively communicate with people who do have mild dementia and are paranoid, because the practical communication tips should be helpful.
So instead, change often comes about when a crisis hits. This is good lists you provided us and thanks for educating people by this blog. Thanking for sharing. Namaste ,my name is vamsi krishna my problem is my mother,she is always think wrong and in reverse if when any two persons outside my house talking biggerly and at that time if my mom hear that sounds she go out side and use abuse language without any break biggerly that makes me very gilty and shame to face others and i lost my confidence i think she has psychological problem i hope u will give me a correct solution for me thank you.
As I explain in the article and in the comments above, she really needs a medical evaluation to see what might be causing or worsening her thinking. You might be able to discreetly apologize to anyone she offends by letting them know she is not well. My Mother is My Stepfather passed away two years ago and she lives alone now. She is the caretaker for my three daughters while my husband and I work.
My youngest daughter started attending school all day, and my oldest daughter started attending college. My kids still go to her house but not as much since they are in school most of the time. My Mother has a lot of time to her self and does not have any hobbies or any real friends. Lately she has started obessing saying that everyone and everything smells. She says my house and her house smell bad. She says that my family and I have a bad smell to ourselves, yet we are oblivious to this fact.
I think she feels that we are making here house smell bad when we go stay there. She has started obsessing over the smell and covering her house in essential oils and baking soda. As soon as She opens her door you are assaulted with Peppermint, and the smell is so strong that you can hardly breathe. She is constantly sniffing my kids, telling them they smell, and then spraying them with some concoction.
She will take their clothes and then bring them back wrapped up in bags. She will wrap up all the bedding in her hose and air out her mattreses for weeks. She will take her furniture and put it outside to air out. Today we found charcoal air freshners and baking soda hidden all over my house. When I called and asked her about it she just screamed at me and said that she was not crazy and it was not because she lived alone I did not even accuse her of this but did tell her that no one but her was ever aware of a smell in our house or hers.
And no one else has ever told us that we smell bad or have a smell. She refused to listen to me, like always, and hung up. Now my Mother has obessed over things in the past, but this is making me really worry.
This obession is not only affecting her life but my family as well. It is giving my children a complex about themselves and it is affecting their relationship with their grandmother. I am worried that this may be something more than depression affecting my Mother, but I do not know how to help her. Where do I start and who do I take her to, to make sure that she is okay? Oh wow, this definitely sounds like a tough situation. It also sounds a little unusual, with this focus on smells.
The article has links to other pages that can help you know what to look for. If so, you might be able to negotiate that she at least try to distress your kids less. I also think you need to seriously consider how you can protect your children while you sort this out with your mom.
If she is constantly criticizing them, that can be damaging to them. Obviously if your mom is used to taking care of them, she may well be hurt or distressed if you try to scale back her time with them. See if you can find a way to be diplomatic. Honestly there are no easy answers for this type of situation.
About a year and a half ago she had to be admitted to the hospital due to falling and suffering from psychosis. My brother and I transferred her to a short term care facility where they got her medications straightened out and she received physical therapy. She returned home able to move about her home with out falling and also hired Day cna assistance. Over the course of the year and a half she has stopped her physical therapy and in the last two weeks has fallen again 3 times. The last fall was serious.
She went outside to look for something that she thought she threw away with out her walker , fell and split the back of her head open. Hospitalized again, my brother and I along with mom in agreement decided to have her go back to short term care for physical therapy. Yesterday she was fine, and when my brother came to visit she was pleasant to him. She said many more cruel things and instead of losing my temper told her I loved her and had to go.
My question is, is that the best way to handle it? I also provide care for her when she is home afternoons and weekends. She can be cruel then as well and I have had to make sure she is secure and then leave as soon as possible. That must be painful, especially when you are making all these efforts to support her. I just read it and thought it was very good. They have a lot of important advice on how to set healthy limits and how to support a parent who is behaving in the way you describe.
All easier said than done, but the book will help you get started. Otherwise, if this situation remains stressful for you, consider looking for a therapist or geriatric care manager who can counsel you. Your health and well-being are important. It also sounds like she has significant chronic health problems and these would likely persist if she moved here.
The authors have good advice on setting realistic expectations for what you can make better, when it comes to an older parent. Sorry to hear of your difficulties with your mother. Otherwise, just keep in mind that it is generally not possible to reason an older person out of their suspicious thoughts.
If she is more willing to accept help from friends, you can try to provide more care through them if possible. It is of course very difficult and stressful to have a parent behaving in this way. I would recommend finding a support group. If her memory and thinking is getting worse and you have reason to believe it might be dementia or if she is diagnosed with this condition , I would recommend reading a book or taking a course, so that you can learn better ways to cope with these challenging behaviors.
Hi My mother is 75 and lives on her own. She is a very complicated person because she functions really well takes good care of herself and her house, pets etc. She has been paranoid somewhat since I was a child but it is getting worse. She says things that are toxic and scary. Calls my husband and I sheep for not believing all the school shootings are fake, thinks certain people are demonic, says her neighbor beams into her house and steals things.
It seems like slight dementia with narcissism laced into it. She lives out of state and I am afraid to have her visit and be around my kids alone because she says very scary things to them about radiation poisoning, people being satanists etc. However, I want a relationship but she is negative, stubborn, manipulative and honestly partially crazy.
Like I said, she has tricked other doctors before and refuses to take any medicine. I have played the diplomat many times but my mother is a total narcissist and will actually try to ruin what she can of my happiness.
I am stuck between a rock and a hard place with a toxic, aging, paranoid mother! How bad off does she need to be?
I would say that yes, it is reasonable to hold boundaries. And of course, limit-setting. A weakened brain has even less filters and self-control than before. Adult protective services sometimes steps in, but usually not until things have gotten really really bad. First, thank you for the insight and help on this page in answering all these questions, very helpful and very kind. My mother is 83, widowed, and lives on her own. About 3 years ago, I moved her closer to me so I could be there for her if needed.
She also misplaces things. She finds the most minute detail as a problem, a twig broken on her rose bush must mean someone came by and broke it or cut it. And as far as I can remember. I appreciate your insight. It IS quite common for older adults to develop new fears and suspicions, and this is often — but not always — associated with underlying changes to the brain.
The article on 6 causes of paranoia goes into possible causes in more depth. Was forced to be strapped to a bed for 2 weeks withdrawing from morphine after resection and healing from the inside out for the most part. No visitors were allowed not even his parents. He wakes up screaming all the time from this PTSD. Doctors thought hed never make. Sent him home thinking theyd never see him again. He has had numerous health problems but somehow has managed to survive.
Recent years has brought him a colostomy bag and dialsys. Eyesight diminishing. Neuropathy in the feet. Numerous surgeries. Thats his back story to be very brief. Lately he has become very moody off and on. One day he can be pretty care free for him to saying my mother, his wife of 56 years pediatric nurse in 50s 60s 70s shes sabatoging things at him.
That shes nagging him to take his medication or complaining. Purposely giving him wrong phone numbers. Little things to normal people, ie misunderstandings and such Are End of the world stuff too him. Now i can say my mother is the most loving caring person on the planet. She makes all his meals, takes care of him manages his medication and dr appointments with help from mysel and 3 sibblings. She assists me with his colostomy bag changes times a week.
My mother at 85 has always been a strong loving supporting women. When i converse with my father when he gets in these moods. Its like hes describing WW3. I try and point out the loving relationship they have. That im envious that ill never find love that my mother and they share together. That what he sees as almost malicious behavior in her asking if hes taken meds several meds times daily is her making sure he has what he needs daily.
Ive tried to empathize with him when his moods strike. Ive tried rationalizing with him. Tried pointing out that little things i acknowledge are big to him in the moment should be taken in stride. Next day or so hes fine in a great mood. Professing his love for my mother. Credits her for the reason hes still alive today when doctors thought there was no shot at him living many times. Im scared for him. Seeing him in these anger fits are becoming more threatening or violent towards himself.
I cherish the days when he is all there even though they are riddled with chronic pain. The days when hes not really starting to rock me. Watching him in these swings breaks my heart to the core and is starting to make me worry about my mother if he escalates.
Guess i need to consult his doctor about a geriatric psych consult. Any suggestions would be appreciated. First off, you are doing a lot of things well but I would recommend you NOT rationalize or encourage him to take things in stride. It basically never works and can make things worse. Just empathize and do things that foster connection or otherwise help your father feel understood and heard.
Otherwise, it sounds like he needs a cognitive evaluation. Last but not least, I highly recommend you find yourself a support group. Online groups are often convenient, or you can find one in person. You are not alone and more importantly, you need the support of others to help you cope with the sorrow, grief, and frustration that often comes up when one is helping aging parents. My Mom is 85 years old. She has many physical challenges as she developed generalized peripheral neuropathy.
She takes a lot of medication and lives in a senior residence and has a lot of help coming and going in her home. She moved 1, miles away from here about 5 years ago her choice. I am not in a personal or economic position to run interference in her life at all. The most I can do is listen, make suggestions, offer moral support, etc.
It is a huge challenge for her. Now, while conversing with her, she says many inaccurate and hurtful things to me. I am pretty sure she does not do this on purpose, but it hurts nevertheless. This article is very helpful. She says the most hurtful things and it is difficult to ignore them. I do not want to abandon my suffering mother, but I cannot bear some of the remarks she makes. I am single and have a difficult enough time keeping my own life together.
I feel I can do just so much to empathize. It is hard to keep emotional distance as she is alone and really struggling. I have found on a few recent occasions I have forgone weekend social plans to chat with her on the phone. She is most lonely on the weekends and becomes moody and depressed.
It is the most hurtful thing she has said to date — as if I am alone and lonely — and I choose to be that way. That is simply not the case. First off, I still hope to find a nice man. That is simply ridiculous. Furthermore, not everyone is lucky enough to find a great partner for a lifelong marriage.
And there are loads of very successful marriages of women with and without careers. In fact, I do. This is not really healthy for me. When I try to have a chat during the week she is always busy. Saturday is a night I would normally prefer to be out socializing, like all the rest of the single working people around here.
Does this sound extraordinarily selfish on my part? I feel she thinks I never wanted a husband or a family of my own, which is inaccurate. I think that is just her way of trying getting more empathy she needs it from me. I am running out of gas for this. My next move is to simply not call on weekends.
She has a litany of complaints — and they are real. That is the one night she is truly lonely and moody. She has a helper come in every other night of the week prepare her dinner, help with household chores, bathing, dressing, etc. I cannot exactly understand why this is the case. I am going to strongly urge her to get a helper to come in on Saturday night.
I have a younger sister who is more flush with cash who has been very helpful to my mom. So it is the night she has time to let it all hang out — on me. I feel like I am going down with that ship. Thanks for sharing your story. My suggestions are:. It offers a lot of insight into this kind of dynamic, and helpful suggestions as well. It will help you figure out what kinds of boundaries to set. Plenty of people are struggling to balance helping a needy parent with resonable limits. You will get ideas and moral support from a group.
The online caregiver forum at AgingCare. Hello Dr.
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